I've reaced a decision

This is post 800, if I’m not mistaken very much. Normally, I’d be writing a joyous little piece about how long I’ve had this blog and how great it is to have written 800 posts so far. But not right now.

Between the time I put out the last post yesterday and the time I sat down this morning - after four hour of sleep, I might add - to write this post, I’ve reached a strange mindset. I’ve entered it once before, also because of work, but because of the last job I had before this one.

I might not have a job any longer before next week is over, because of the decision I’ve reached. But even in this crisis, it will be worth it, if it means I’m not going to run any lower on energy.

Fact is, currently I’m running on reserve. I’ve been running on reserve for most of this year since January. If I were a car, the alarm lights of the cockpit would be flashing. But I’m not a car and not everyone can easily see how low I’m running. I’ve been motivating myself to get up, to go to work, to do overtime by thinking about the fact that I was going to have two weeks for recuperation at Eastern. I have only managed to go on by concentrating on this thought.

Yesterday, after my boss’ call, I’ve almost had a nervous breakdown. Maybe it even was one, I don’t know, I’ve never had one before. I was crying and I was screaming and cursing for about an hour after the call. Then I wrote the last post, but I couldn’t let it go. I feel kaput. I don’t really know where I will get the energy from to get up on Tuesday, to go to work, to go on doing overtime.

So I decided to step on the brake. If the company cannot take care of me, of my health, of the rights I have as an employee, then I will do it. I’ll have a talk with my boss on Tuesday (and he’s probably going to hate me afterwards). There are quite some topics to talk about.

Why does one of us in the import department (3 1/4 people) have to keep up with the export (about 10 people), so she can step in ‘in case of an emergency,’ but there’s nobody from the export who can step in ‘in case of an emergency’ in our department?

Why don’t they get somebody as a replacement for my male colleague who will have to leave at the end of October? It’ll take at least six month to get a new colleague settled and ready to tackle at least the usual daily work on his or her own.

Why does my boss get four weeks of vacation and I can’t even stay at home for two?

I’m not in charge at work, I can’t take care of anything there. I’m not in the position to change anything. Therefore, I do not have the duty to take care of things, either. It is not my problem how they do get things done with one person being sick for who knows how long.

I can’t just call on Tuesday and say ‘I’m not coming,’ but I don’t have to do more than my contract (with a temporal employment agency, not with the company I work for) says. When I took the job, there was no talk of a regular early shift. Had there been something about that, I would have thought twice, maybe even three times, before taking it (during the job interview with the agency, I said ‘between eight a.m. and six p.m., maybe longer in the evening, but not earlier; early shift means being at work at seven a.m.). I have a 35-hours-a-week contract. There’s no way in hell they can make me work longer. If I can’t take off the overtime I’ve done (and, obviously, I can’t), then I’m not going to do any.

I’m not going to take any more considerations about the company. I will take off the 15th of May - I need to get my car through the TÜV at that time (you’re not allowed to drive a car that’s not been through the TÜV regularly in Germany). I will not be there for the seminar about import the Saturday after this. And I don’t care whether that means my colleague will be alone that Friday. All considerations are off - and I’m going to tell my boss this.

If they don’t get it going, if there’s no new colleague during the next month, if they don’t consider at least another part-time employed (we’re being paid for four full-time employees in my department), then I’ll be leaving. I’ve sacrificed my health for one company, I’m not naïve or stupid enough to do it again. No job is worth this, crisis or not. And certainly no job with a pay like mine.

And if my boss doesn’t like what I have to say, he’s free to fire me. I can be kicked out of the company within hours, as I’m not employed there. My employer, the people who pay my wages, is the temporal employment agency I’m working for. They might fire me right afterwards, but they can’t do it from one minute to the next. As far as I remember, a have a three-months-deadline for dismissal. That’s one of the few good things about working in Germany.

My life stinks!

I’ve just stated I had one more week of vacation ahead of me. Well, that was before my boss called and told me I had to be back at work on Tuesday - the day after the long Easter weekend.

I’m very angry about that at the moment. One of the reasons for this is my last week. My computer went on strike on Sunday and I didn’t get it back before yesterday - and I’m still working on it, not just using it for games or writing as I planned to.

Another reason is that I’m pretty much finished. I didn’t have a day of ‘real’ vacation last year, due to my webmaster course. I didn’t have time to gather new energy this year, either, due to not having that many vacation days. The last month was a nightmare, too, because one of my colleagues was sick and two people had to do the work of four. (The other colleague works part time and was on a forced vacation during the last week before my vacation started.) In January I planned those two weeks before and after Eastern without even knowing about what would happen in March.

My next scheduled vacation is towards the end of August. It would have worked out, had I had those two weeks in full. But I don’t get them. Basically, I’ve just lost four days of overtime, nothing more.

I do not blame my colleagues for that. The one who got sick surely didn’t do it on purpose - she’s very dutiful normally. The one who had to take a vacation didn’t do it on purpose either - she was forced to do so. I do not even really blame my boss for this situation.

What I blame him for, though, is not being able to find a suitable substitute for my male colleague who will be forced to leave the company in October (the German government is forcing him to do so). Had they found someone (and it’s getting pretty urgent now), there would have been enough people around to handle it without me coming back from the vacation.

I have made a decision. After I’m back at work, I’ll ask my boss for a talk under four eyes. And I’ll tell him one thing straight: if they don’t get going with that new colleague, I’ll be leaving at the end of October, too. I’m feeling bad already, out of energy and sick. I’m not going to ruin my health - or what’s left of it - for them. Even though I know it doesn’t look good, I’d rather face the crisis-stricken job market.

What a week!

Believe it or not, I’ve been on vacation since Saturday (theoretically, at least) and I haven’t had time to write anything since Sunday. Reason for this is simple: my main board croaked. Ever since Sunday afternoon, when I wanted to sit down and get some serious writing done, my computer didn’t work.

I took it to a computer shop which I really trust and got it back yesterday in the evening. That’s good news. I managed to migrate my email accounts and preferences for Firefox. Also very good news.

On the down side is this, though: I have to reinstall all my programs and games. That’ll take forever - especially “The Sims 2”. And most of my success in the casual games will be lost. At least, I’ll hopefully be able to keep the save games for the other games.

On the other hand, I’ll finally sieve through my games and only reinstall the ones I still play, at least for the time being. Also something good.

I have topics for at least five posts in mind, but no real time to write them all down with clearing off my old hard disks and getting everything up and working again. Well, there’s another week of vacation coming up.

Amok

Today I heard it from my colleague at work - who, in turn, had heard it on the radio in the car: there was a shooter running amok in a town close to Stuttgart, not far from where I live, too.

To my own shame I have to admit my first reaction was a double one. On one side I was terribly sorry, for the 16 victims (17 if you count the shooter who killed himself in the end in a shootout with the police), for their loved ones, for the injured and also for the psychically scarred. It happened at a school, yet again, and was even on CNN news this evening.

On the other side I was more or less waiting for the first mentioning of “Killerspiele” yet again - because it always happens in such cases. I can’t help it, I just know the politicians and the media too well.

By now the first mentioning of “Killerspiele” has happened, but on the whole there’s more focus on why the parents and brother didn’t realize something was wrong with the young man - and where he got his guns from. He’s probably gotten them from his parents’ home - they legally own quite some weapons, which is rather unusual in Germany.

I’m still terribly sorry something like that did happen ... had to happen. At the same time I know they will not accept there’s more to this amok run than just a few violent computer games, that society is to blame for it. It’s always easier to blame others than take the blame yourself.

Weekend Update

Yes, it’s been quite a while since the last one, I know it. Fact is, I was pretty much stressed over the last weeks and didn’t find much time to write. So I’ll start this update with a look back:

What I’ve read over the last weeks: not too much, admittedly, but I went through “Ai no Kusabi 4” again. Apart from that it was a few lines here and a few lines there, a short gaze into the “Vampire: The Requiem” basics to the side.

What I’ve played over the last weeks: a few casual games and an adventure named “Ceville”.

What I’ve seen over the last couple of weeks: Some “Conan” OVAs (up to No. 10), “”Hellboy II” and “Wyrd Sisters”.

This weekend:

• Book to read: no real plan, but I’ll find something
• DVD to watch: “Soul Music”
• Game to play: “Tomb Raider: Underworld” probably

Apart from that I’ll relax and hope for a week with a little less stress - as if that will happen.