Yes, I know
there is a lot of annoying topics for me, but this time it’s the Star Wars
Prequels. I was reminded of how much damage they actually did to my childhood
memories (sort of), when I saw these awesome ‘Star
Wars Characters as people from the 1980s’ pictures. There might be coming
something from that, but that’s not the topic here.
Looking
over the pictures and identifying the characters (I love Luke’s Marty McFly
look and Han’s ‘I shot first’ shirt), I was reminded of how I met the Star Wars
cast first – on paper. And how I met them visually for the first time when the
commercial stations in Germany started to run the original trilogy and I got to
see them (as I was born in 1974, so I never saw any of the movies when they
originally hit the theatres).
I was
rather happy when they arrived at the movie theatres again, because it was my
first chance to see them on the big screen. I even saw them all twice – once
separately as they were released, once during a rather chaotic night all in one
go. I wasn’t completely happy with all the additional scenes cut into them, but
compared to the fact that Annoying Annie from the Prequels is now at the end of
Return of the Jedi (which is illogical, as Obi-Wan still looks like the old
Obi-Wan and Yoda probably is the old Yoda, too), the first release was pure
bliss.
I see the
point in not making sequels to the original trilogy, as it’s highly unlikely
Mark Hamill or Carrie Fisher would reprise their roles (and Harrison Ford has a
lot of other stuff to do). I could accept prequels that keep up with the pure
basics of the original trilogy, though. There are a few details you will find
in the novels to the movies that are actually negated within the new trilogy
(in the novels, Obi-Wan says Owen actually is his brother, not the brother of
Luke’s father; Leia claims she can remember her mother, but not much of her,
which goes against their mother dying at their birth, especially as Luke is
born first in the last Prequel). George Lucas also has gone all out to keep all
novels in the same time line, but suddenly changes stuff in the past himself.
When the
first Prequel, The Phantom Menace, came out, I was fully prepared to like the
new Star Wars movies. Ok, so no Luke, Leia, or Han. New main characters, new
heroes, a lot of new villains. That’s cool, really.
The Pod
Race should have tipped me off, though. While all Star Wars movies to date had
at least one big battle, the Pod Race was different. It was an omen for things
to come. Ten minutes of rather pointless action shots. Rather pointless,
because it’s obvious who will win the race. Rather pointless, because we will
see how good a flyer Anakin is at a young age later one, during the space
battle. Anakin’s major challenger during the race will never turn up again in
the movies, so WTF, really. The whole Pod Race is ten minutes of my life that
didn’t have any use for the story. It is unnecessary to establish the fact that
Anakin is a pilot prodigy. It does not introduce any major opponent. It is not
really necessary to drive the story, either. Seriously, the whole slavery turn
is so unnecessary all by itself. We are talking about two men working for an
intergalactic government and the ruler of a planet who need to buy something.
Three people that should have some emergency account or something, just in
case. I know the Old Republic was not well off towards the end (which is at
least ten more years in the future at that point, anyway), but a few ten
thousand credits for emergency use? And by the looks of it, Naboo does have
quite a bit of cash to spend, why not have an emergency account in case someone
from the government has to go off planet under disguise? Every normal
government has something like that.
Unfortunately,
it doesn’t end there. I, personally, found JarJar amusing, so I am not going to
crucify him (others have done so already, no real point in me doing it, too).
Cool new villain? Check. Survives the first of what will be three movies? Nope.
Help me along here, please. Darth Vader, as we all know, needs a mechanic
rather than a medic, right? There’s one dark Jedi in the first Jedi Knight game
who only has half a body (upper half, of course). Yet the Emperor never tried
to salvage the remains of Darth Maul? That guy makes a great opponent. He is
such an opposite to Vader, really. Non-human, non-mechanical, savage, lithe. He
would have been great to keep around until he fights a duel to the death with
Anakin-turned-Vader. Yet the poor guy gets the boot in the first movie.
And Anakin
himself? Not really a guy you would like, either. He grows from the annoying
kid in the first movie (yes, he’s had a hard life, but does he have to be such
a snotty know-it-all because of those midi-thingies in his blood?) into an
adult that can put every Emo out there to shame. We know he will end up behind
the black mask. We don’t need a reason to hate the guy before he puts it on.
What do we get? Mr. ‘I’m so unsure about me and my life, because my mother died
before I could save her, so now I will almost kill my highly pregnant wife I’ve
been angst-ing over and try to kill my only friend/mentor in the world’ should
have ended up in the black suit at the end of the first scene of the first
movie of the Prequels. It would have made them much better. Seriously, the guy
tries to strangle his wife to death (and is only stopped by his friend) and
later on is shocked that she, and, as he’s falsely informed, the children, have
died?
There are a
lot of reasons for Anakin to switch sides (and, indeed, that stupid ‘Jedi are
not allowed to get married’ rule makes an excellent reason). Playing it all on
the ‘angst’ card is using the most stupid reason out there. The whole slavery
issue is unnecessary by itself. Okay, Anakin has had a hard life and for some
reason (and growing up in the Outer Rim isn’t reason enough?) he wasn’t found
as a baby and thus has not attended Jedi school properly. What is so wrong with
making him and his mother poor farm hands, for instance? The first Star Wars
movie ever made has already established people have chosen a desert planet
(talk about logic) for farming. It would make his mother marrying a farmer
later on much more logical.
You want
better reasons for Anakin to defect from the Jedi order? Have a few:
- Anakin
did not start training at the proper age, make him grow to hate the others,
because they treat him as inferior. Good one to explain him leading the forces
to destroy the order’s headquarter later on.
- The
Clone Wars are starting, throw him into dangerous situations and have him use
‘just a little bit’ of the Dark Side (which, supposedly, is easier to take
power from) to get out alive. This will make him distance himself from his
friend Obi-Wan, who will warn him of the lure of the Dark Side.
- Use
the whole ‘Jedi do not marry’ thing and have him defect after he decides that
marrying Padmé is more important than the order. I’m sure he’s not the first
one to see things that way.
Don’t put it all down to the ‘fear of
loved ones dying’. Don’t make the natives of his home world (as it’s pretty
obvious the Jawa and Sandpeople are natives and the humans are colonists) look
like terrible beasts that need to be slaughtered.
- If
you have
to use the ‘fear of loved ones dying,’ let his mother die of a disease
that wasn’t treated, because the Republic does not provide any kind of health
care to the colonies of the Outer Rim. A disease she would have easily
survived, had she lived somewhere closer to the centre of the galaxy. Let him
hate the Republic for it, let him join the Emperor to overthrow it.
I’m sure I
could find at least a dozen reasons for a young man with a hard childhood to
join the Dark Side that do not require him to be a whiny Emo to start with. A
guy like George Lucas should be able to find at least as many. And how can a
self-assured, snotty know-it-all kid turn into such a whiny adult? Is it all
the Jedi training or what?
Then
there’s the midi-thingies (I’m too bored with them to look up the proper name).
Seriously, what is that all about? People can do awesome stuff, just because
they have some sort of bacteria or something in their blood? Logically
speaking, that would mean you can create an army of Jedi (forget those measly,
non-Jedi clones), just by injecting those midi-thingies into perfectly normal
people. The Force for everyone! What happened to the mystical force that keeps
the universe together? It became an infection you are born with!
Then the
second movie … Attack of the Clones. More like Attack of the Hormones, if you
ask me. The movie is nicely balanced – between a sticky-sweet romance that
nobody needs and action scenes that nobody needs, either. I’m always happy to
see Christopher Lee, he’s an awesome actor and it was time for Dracula to make
an appearance in a movie series which has had van Helsing in the first movie
(look it up, if you don’t know what I am talking about!). I also like seeing
Yoda jump around like a gummy bear on speed during their duel. But apart from
that, Attack of the Clones is weaker than The Empire Strikes Back (which is
pretty weak, too, second parts of trilogies are vulnerable to a certain
weakness). So, all the clone soldiers are copies of the father of Bobba Fett.
And Bobba, one of the most badass bounty hunters of all times, is a clone of
his own father, too. Great. Someone shoot me, please, to put me out of my
misery at that discovery.
And is it
just me or does Padmé suddenly look strangely young, compared to her boyfriend?
Didn’t the first movie establish that she’s at least about seven years his
senior? Maybe choosing such a nymph of a girl wasn’t such a good casting idea.
It does establish a certain similarity between her and her daughter,
admittedly, but it does not make that jump of ten or more years more logical.
If Padmé was 15 at the time of the first movie (which would make her an awfully
young ruler) and Anakin was 8, Padmé would at least be 27 in the second movie,
if we say Anakin is 20 (and I find that highly unlikely, he should be at least
something like 25, in my opinion). She certainly doesn’t look a few years shy
of 30 in Attack of the Clones, or even Revenge of the Sith, where she’s
pregnant and should probably look even more grown-up.
What’s
more, Padmé starts out as a woman very much like her daughter in the original
trilogy. Like Leia, she is strong, self-reliant, a leader. But while the
original trilogy and the novels that follow Leia’s future enhance those
characteristics (even though her life is anything but normal and nice), her
mother loses them in the following movies. Padmé must have caught that Emo germ
from her husband while they were making new Jedi, because the strong woman she
was turns into a helpless and hopeless girl who doesn’t even find the strength
to live for her children.
Then
there’s the Emperor himself. On the whole I approve of the take they did there.
It was a great idea to bring back the actor who played him in Return of the
Jedi for the Prequels. He had then reached the perfect age for the consummate
politician Palpatine is and he knew what his character would turn into.
Palpatine is nicely balanced between the more-or-less (as politicians go)
trustworthy guy and the scheming manipulator behind the curtains.
Yet, why so
plump? Mace Windu may be the fiery side to balance out Yoda’s serenity (there’s
not much that could surprise a guy after 900 years…), but have him jump through
a door, accuse a respected politician of being a Sith, and then duel him right
there and then? Can you do something like that with any less finesse? Was that
only so Anakin can jump in and save the ‘old man’ from the attack? The fight
between Yoda and Palpatine later on shows the venerable Emperor is no weakling
with the lightsaber. Now, that is a cool duel, really. But Yoda is a cool guy
in all the movies he graces with his presence. Palpatine is only slightly less
cool himself. Two cool guys, two lightsabers, and a lot of collateral damage,
you can’t go wrong there.
It’s also
obvious George did not listen to his fans, otherwise JarJar would never have
left Naboo in his life (well, okay, once during Phantom Menace). Even after the
first movie, it was obvious the fans hated JarJar. Yet he’s persistently
present in the whole franchise. He’s in all three Prequels and in the Clone
Wars universe (movie plus all the seasons, including the first two which are
more artfully done than today’s ‘official’ first two seasons). He’s a minor
side character, so why not just write him out of the movies? You can get rid of
a potential badass enemy like Darth Maul after one movie, but you keep the
hated side character up to now, George? Wesley had to go, which some people
could use as proof that Star Trek is the better franchise… Just saying…
The Star
Wars Prequels had a lot of potential to expand and enrich the Star Wars
universe. They could have told a touching and interesting story about a young
man falling for the wrong side. We know there was good left in Darth Vader,
just as his son claimed in Return of the Jedi. When faced with the choice to
stand by his master and see his son die or defy his master and save his son, he
threw his master of over twenty years into the core of a battle station. That’s
a definite statement. Novels, comics, and other material have shown a lot of
people who had a brush with the Dark Side in their lives (including, btw, Luke
himself). Many paths lead to the Dark Side, Anakin’s story could have added to
that, enriched the topic. It could have been so much more epic than just ‘I was
so afraid to lose my wife that I destroyed an order of guardians of the galaxy
and almost killed her because of it.’
And plunged the galaxy far, far away
into tyranny for over twenty years, but that doesn’t count…
