Saturday, January 31, 2009

It comes and goes

I might have lost my friend Heike again. I’m not completely sure, but there are certain signs. Which signs?

Well, since the start of the year, I have hardly had any news from her. At first, I was not surprised, because she had just started a new job and I know it’s hard when you start a new job in a call centre. But 3 short messages in a month (last year it was the average of 5 messages a week) isn’t much. She’s commuting by train and in Germany that means quite some spare time before and after work.

Two out of the 3 short messages I’ve had were, in addition, merely written to tell me I couldn’t phone her during the weekend, because she were on tour with her boyfriend. While I certainly do not begrudge her the time with him - during her last job, they didn’t have much time for each other -, I do not really buy she doesn’t have at least 15 or 20 minutes for a phone call.

It’s been a year since we had contact again (after about a year without it) and it seems to be over again. It hurts, it really does, especially as she’s my only close friend. (I’m not the type with oodles of friends, anyway, and we’ve been friends since we were 12 or so.) On the other hand, I’m not stupid or dependent enough to cling to this connection when she quite obviously has no interest in it any longer.

So I’ve written her an email, stating that I will not continue to bother her with my messages if she doesn’t want any contact. I’ve also told her that my address, phone numbers and email-address will stay the same for quite some time (I’ve had each of them for at least 4 years now). If she wants contact again, she knows how to reach me.

Am I too sensitive about this? I don’t think so. There’s no point in clinging to a connection the other side has lost interest in. It’s better to take the pain now and cut off the connection than to stay connected and feel the pain every time my messages are not answered.

Writing Materials

Currently, I’ve got four books about creative writing lying in the close vicinity of my computer desk (and thus the place where I usually write).

In addition, I’ve been organising my writing a lot, using One Note to gather all the information and ideas about my stories.

But, as always when I think I’m prepared, the muse went on vacation and took my self-discipline with her. Probably they’re enjoying a spa somewhere in southern France while I write this.

I should be writing an Avatar fan fiction. I should be writing an SF story. I should be writing an adventure story. I should be writing a crime story for kids. I am, currently, writing the third post in a row. Well, at least I’m writing something.

I’ve had four days of vacation during the last week of January. I could have written pages upon pages. I wrote about zero pages. (Well, plus the pages I’ve written this evening as posts.)

It’s always like this: either I have the time to write or I find the self-discipline and inspiration (one of them is usually sufficient) to write. It’s never during the same moments.

It’s strange, though. I feel hurt at the moment (because of my best friend, but there’s another post about her) and suddenly I turn back to the keyboard. I’m stressed because of all the work we have to do at the company and suddenly I find the strength to write four or five pages an evening after work. I go on vacation and I can’t put a single letter down.

Maybe I need some stress to function as a writer. Or maybe I was just lazy during the last days.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

What I don't really get

Okay, it might really be ‘because I’m a woman’ this time. But what I really don’t get is splatter movies (like “Saw” 1 to 5). What is the point of them?

I was reminded of this question again a few days ago when my colleague at work (21, male) started telling us about the “Saw” movies he’s seen so far. You really should have heard him talk! The only times he’s spoken with more happiness in his voice lately have been when he’s been talking about his girlfriend or his car. He was going into detail, basically, about all the ‘great’ devices Jigsaw uses for his ‘games’. Still, I don’t get it.

I won’t deny I’ve seen some splatter movies when I was a teen (I guess everyone from my generation has). But I didn’t get the real point then, I don’t do so now. I don’t see them as ‘real’ horror movies either.

Horror movies are supposed to scare me, right? While the splattering of guts and blood and grey matter might make me puke, though, it doesn’t really scare me - especially as it always pulls me out of the story. It’s too obvious that’s a movie, after all. Psychological horror might get to me (though not very often, I’ve probably seen too many movie by now), but mere gross out with blood and intestines will not.

I’ve found in the past that most guys (especially between 15 and 25 or so) seem to see those movies as a proof of their fearlessness. Well, it might proof their strong stomach, but fearlessness? They are sitting at home (or in a movie theatre) and watching bad thing happening to other people. And they think it’s great to play such ‘games’ with those who ‘deserve’ it (but don’t we all have our dark secrets?).

But what do Jigsaw’s ‘games’ really prove? That people are able to kill others in order to survive? That some are able to overcome their moral or physical limits? That’s not new, neither of it. In extreme situations people are able to do extreme things. Some fail, others succeed and thus survive.

What is so thrilling about watching those movies? Is it the ‘how much am I able to take before I throw up’ factor? Is it really the blood and guts? (In this case, how about a trip to the closest slaughter house?) Are they as dangerous as all those who play ‘Killerspiele’? After all, they’re also getting a ‘how to do it right’ information from their movies.

I could make it easy for me and just say ‘boys’ (or maybe ‘guys’). But is it that easy? Is it just one of those ‘growing up’ rituals which men have to go through? I really don’t get it...

Monday, January 19, 2009

What I always suspected

I always knew it:

Math isn’t about logic, but about magic.

Snow, snow, snow

Yes, I know I’ve been a bit lazy lately - with blogging, that is. My real life, on the other hand, has been quite busy. ...which is why I was a bit lazy lately with blogging.

Ever since January the 5th we’ve had snow, for one thing. This Sunday it has gotten warmer again and started to rain, so the snow will be gone soon enough. I would have appreciated snow during Christmas, but not as late as it came.

Still, the world always looks strange when it has snowed. Everything is covered with a white blanket - to me, it’s the ultimate new start. It’s like an empty piece of paper, really.

In addition, I have been doing a lot of overtime ever since before Christmas. I haven’t had much spare time and a lot to do in it. I’m just starting my flash programming course, too.

No, I’m not trying to explain away the lack of new posts in this blog lately. I’m just telling you what’s been going on.