Wednesday, January 02, 2008

Some things should be left in the shadow

... and the movie "Shadow Creature" is right at the top of the list, seriously. This is why you had to wait for this post until the second of January. Here it is.

Okay, where to start? The monster, I think, 'cause it's the only thing in the whole movie that's no crap ... oh, and the background music is not too bad, either. But for the rest ...

The German synchro sucks. And that comes from someone who can find one good thing in about every German synchro she's ever heard. I guess, if I went to a pub and pulled out the first ten or so drunk, promised them a place to smoke inside (new laws in Germany prohibit smoking inside pubs and bars and so on) and then made them redo the synchro, it could only get better. Can't say anything about the original voices, though, as they are not on my DVD.

And the acting! If I took the same ten or so drunk and filmed the movie with them in my backyard, it couldn't be worse. If I went to the pet store and spent fifteen minutes filming various fish tanks to cut in from time to time, it would probably be better.

When it comes to the story ... well, you know that saying about six thousand monkeys and their typewriters rewriting Shakespeare in six thousand years? Three monkeys with three typewriters could write a better script in three years, honestly. And they could spent one of those years doing whatever monkeys like to do.

Wait a moment, now that I think about it: The special effects aren't that bad, either, although the movie is from 1995 and the special effects usually are the first thing that gets old about a movie.

I've watched quite a lot of horror movies - and some of my favourites are b-movies. But compared to "Shadow Creature" even a movie like "Monster Shark" is big cinema. And I can't believe I've written that ...

It's not the humour they've cut in (and this movie features the only cop I've ever seen barfing right next to various corpses), humour and horror work well together. The more the laughter relaxes you, the more the next scary scene will make you scream. Easy math to do, isn't it? But the movie seems to be torn between humour (sometimes clearly involuntarily) and horror, as if the writers and director could not decide to do with their money and time. Obviously the final decision was wrong.

So if you ever happen to see that movie at your local store, don't pick it up ... unless you need something to torture someone with.

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